Duncan Gilman

Media production that cuts your costs, not your creativity.

2010-07-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Video production

My television credits include two Emmy-nominated productions, and I have written, edited and co-produced Telly Award-winning episodes of Biography on A&E as well as episodes of the MOJO Network series Beer Nutz among other shows. I've created video slide shows and presentations for businesses and events, and I've taken promotional videos from preproduction to distribution.

Writing

Beyond the small screen, my writing has been featured in articles for the online magazine New West and a stage performance entitled Here’s The Thing, which sold out for its limited run. I also honed my PR skills writing news releases and print and online content for one of the largest senior living facilities in Southern California.

Social media

While the majority of my video experience is in the entertainment and corporate fields, I have a passion for the non-profit world and those organizations whose bottom line is serving the community. I've developed social network profiles for non-profit organizations ranging in size from a dozen members to a thousand employees.

And more

I bring to the table this wide range of practical media skills as well as reliability, dedication, complete comfort working with and addressing any size group, plus a high regard for teamwork. Let's work together.

First day in the new house

2010-07-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today is move-in day! We can't wait to unpack and finally settle in. Then it's time to remodel the kitchen - wow, so much to do.

When in Rome

2010-01-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

We'll see how long it takes me to start writing MMX on my checks.

High price of distraction

2009-10-29T16:27:00.001-07:00

Feds interview pilot, co-pilot of Northwest Airlines that overshot Minneapolis airport -- chicagotribune.com

I happen to know the cousin of a federal investigator. He was able to provide me with the transcript of this interview, and I offer you the following excerpt.

FEDS: Why did you fail to answer when air traffic controllers tried for over an hour to contact you?

PILOTS:

FEDS: Excuse me. Excuse me, gentlemen, but could I have your focus here for a minute please?

PILOTS:

FEDS: You overshot your destination by 150 - I'm sorry, could you put down the magazine for just a second?

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: Someone order two large pizzas?

FEDS: Did you guys order a pizza during this interview? Hello, I'm talking to you!

PILOTS:

FEDS: Gentlemen, I don't think you understand the - listen, I'm gonna need you two to turn off the portable Blu-ray player while we're talking.

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: No seriously, who's paying for these?

Other music methods

2009-10-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

Stayin' Alive with CPR

Yes, it's true that CPR compressions are easier to perform when done to the beat of the song "Stayin' Alive." Here are some other Bee Gees songs useful for medical purposes.

Influenza: "Night Fever"
Cardiovascular disease: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"
Physical therapy: "Run to Me"
Speech therapy: "Jive Talkin'"
Hemorrhoids: "Fanny (Be Tender With My Love)"
Hyperactivity: "You Should Be Dancing"
Alzheimer's: "Don't Forget to Remember"
Obesity: "More Than a Woman"
Passing kidney stones: "Islands in the Stream"

Guest post by Roman Polanski's driving instructor

2009-10-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks for allowing me this opportunity to speak out. I just want to say that in weighing these charges against Roman, you have to take into account what a great driver this man has been and continues to be. I dare say there's never been a more competent driver in my lifetime, and I doubt we'll see another in the near future.

His signature acceleration is smooth, seamless, and unmatched among any of my students. Yields and merges are executed with the precision of a Swiss timepiece. Is this really the kind of man we want to see behind bars? If Roman Polanski is pulled off the road and into jail, do you know who the real victim is? We are.

Regards,
Roman Polanski's driving instructor

So, logically

2009-10-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Before we had a black president, Hollywood told us it was possible. Many films and television shows cast black actors in presidential roles:

The Fifth Element had the character President Lindberg, the black "World President."

Deep Impact had Morgan Freeman play President Beck, a US president who happened to be black.

The TV show 24 featured a black actor in the role of President Palmer.

The most progressive idea in these fictional looks at government is not that the presidents ARE black, but that race has little if anything to do with their characters or the plot. In these examples, being a minority president is normal. But now that we actually have a black president in Washington, I think it's time for Hollywood to stay one step ahead. Here are my ideas for new minorities in presidential roles on screen:

Contagion: A new virus strain immune to disinfectants spreads from middle America outward. Brad Garrett plays a Jewish president.

Filed Away: An administrative assistant is mistaken for a secret agent in this fast-paced spy send-up with Benjamin Bratt playing our first Native American president.

With Water: A dramatic take on pharmaceutical lobbyists featuring Felicity Huffman as a lesbian president.

Conan harmonizes

2009-10-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

New tricks

2009-09-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

I will teach your cat to sing like the Jingle Cats.

You bought the CDs. You've seen the videos. You've heard them live in concert. And the answer to your question is "Yes, your cat can SING LIKE JINGLE CATS!"

Sing Like Jingle Cats is a specialized 10-week program I've developed that will turn your ordinary house pet into a Felionel Richie, a Furry Belafonte, or a Yusuf Islam.

As a certified member of MEOW (Music Educators of the World), I have over 10 years of experience in feline vocal pedagogy. More importantly, Sing Like Jingle Cats caters to all cat learning styles. We start from scratch, so to speak, assuming your cat has no basic musical knowledge. We then place your cat into the appropriate level class. A typical day in Sing Like Jingle Cats might look like this:

9:30 - Arrival & voice warm-up
10:00 - Nap
10:30 - Self-cleaning
11:00 - Nap
11:30 - Lunch
12:00 - Nap
12:30 - Music theory
1:00 - Self-cleaning
1:30 - Rehearsal
2:00 - Nap
2:30 - Nap
3:00 - Depart

Now for a limited time, I'm also offering free ChanuKAT training when you enroll your cat in the Sing Like Jingle Cats program. Your kitty will be the hit at latke parties when she meows "Ma'oz Tzur" and purrs "Sevivon."

Enroll now to receive a full money back guarantee. In just 10 short weeks, your cat will Sing Like Jingle Cats!

Fred, the Vegan Foodie

2009-09-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Fred, the Vegan Foodie here with my review of Hog & Hide Texas Barbecue.

If you haven't tried Hog & Hide, it's probably because you'd never even know it was there if you weren't looking for it. The restaurant is actually the cafe portion of the Full Moon Gas Station at the Henderson exit. But I promise you, the food tastes like anything but convenience store fare.

When my vegan companion Farah and I went up to the counter to order, the restaurant staff was incredibly helpful, recommending such mouth-watering delights as pulled pork, dry-rub brisket, slow cooked baby-back ribs, and melt-off-the-bone Santa Maria style BBQ chicken. We gazed down the serving line at golden yellow corn on the cob in melted butter, baked beans in a thin bacon gravy, potato salad prepared with fresh, homemade mayonnaise, and the thickest buttermilk biscuits we've ever seen.

We ordered two green salads. They. Were. Phenomenal. Crisp greens topped with diced tomato from plants grown right there at Full Moon behind pump number 7. And for a little extra flavor, thin slices of cucumber and carrot shavings. My only complaint is that because the only dressing choices were blue cheese and buttermilk ranch, we were forced to eat the salad dry. But let me tell you, just the smell wafting from the barbecue pit and its smoky goodness was all the dressing we needed.

This has been Fred, the Vegan Foodie for Hog & Hide Texas Barbecue. Next time: JoJo Qua - the fabulous Brazilian steakhouse in your own backyard.

Shack, The

2009-08-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

In 2000, Federal Express decided to streamline things and call themselves FedEx. Apparently Radio Shack is heading in the same direction. Here are some re-branding ideas on their way to fruition:

Radio Shack ---> The Shack
Now instead of asking you for your phone number, they'll just ask you for your area code.

The Shack ---> Shack
William P. Young's best seller has millions of copies in print, but recently Young's publisher, Windblown Media, decided to trim the fat.

Shaq ---> Sh
The NBA player's new moniker is sure to be a hit in public libraries nation-wide.

Pretty bad shape

2009-07-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

California is in serious trouble, money-wise. From what I've been hearing, I think the state is in debt to the tune of something like $5,000. I don't know why people say "to the tune of." I hear tunes in my head all the time, but I couldn't tell you what a hundred dollars sounds like.

Here are some ideas to help get California back in the black:

1. Bake sale
2. Car wash
3. Yard sale
4. Tip jar
5. Raise taxes
6. Lower taxes
7. Silent auction

Full backing

2009-05-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

Patti Blagojevich was on Today this morning with her husband discussing her decision to participate in "I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!" Former Governor Rod showed his loving support to both his wife and his new mistress NBC, calling the show a "cutting edge kind of program."

I know you're wondering, so here are some of Rod Blagojevich's previous endorsements:

On Herman's Head: ". . . certainly cutting edge. It's a timeless piece of work like a Picasso or an Anne Geddes."
On String Theory: " . . . cutting edge, without a doubt. It's the Teddy Roosevelt of theories about string."
On the Skip-It: "This toy defines cutting edge. I like to think of it as a jump rope's younger and much hotter sister."
Miracle Blade knives: "Now this is a cutting edge I call 'cutting edge!'"
The Gettysburg Address: "I myself am not Jewish, but think for a moment how cutting edge this speech was for its time. I see a little of Abraham Lincoln in myself."

The business plan

2009-05-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to open a store that's a backwards IKEA. It's called Eudora. It's a two-story Swedish restaurant with one little section that sells dressers.

Expand your knowledge and be a hit at parties.

2009-05-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Camden is already several posts in with his new blog Brass Tacks Trivia. Learn and be entertained!

Volunteers

2009-05-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'd like to put on a benefit concert in support of Counsel America, the organization dedicated to providing couples therapy to low-income families and those hurt by the economic downturn. Join me in setting up the first ever Marital Aid.

In the right hands, this event could really blow up. We all know it's these grass roots efforts that help to lubricate the wheels of justice. And if we get enough quality music acts and the right publicity, Marital Aid could be a very pleasurable experience for thousands of people.

First order of business: send out a media tickler. Let's get it on! I mean, get on it.

What's old is new again

2009-05-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

I had a kosher cheeseburger yesterday at the Israel Fest in Woodley Park. My plan was to get falafel, but the falafel stand had the longest line of any of the food vendors. I suppose it makes sense for the falafel to be the most popular food at an Israel festival, but this is LA. The kosher sushi restaurant Sushiko was also represented by a booth, and I almost expected that one to have the longest line.

So instead of falafel, I opted for Shilo's. It's a kosher steakhouse that was offering the outdoor fair version of their usual prime cuts: hamburgers and hot dogs. As I waited in line, I kept hearing people in front of me order their burgers with "no cheese." I thought it was an Israel Fest inside joke. As if there was another booth somewhere offering entrees with your choice of side salad or clam chowder. So when I placed my order for a hamburger, chips, and soda and was offered the addition of cheese, I played along. "Cheese! Yeah right, I'll take cheese!" Wink. Elbow jab. Turns out it was a beef burger with tofu cheese. And it was pretty good.

Tonight, we're making the opposite at home in the form of tacos. Fake meat, real cheese.

Evidence of the current economic situation reflected in popular music

2009-03-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

9 red(ish) balloons
a modest amount of shaking going on
zero coins in the fountain
once, two times a lady
every other day
some of the single ladies
she don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie . . . meth
Roxanne, you might want to consider putting on the red light
if I had a billion dollars
fly me to Columbus
strawberry fields for a while
faux suede shoes

Copied from the original documents

2009-03-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Child Protective Services Report
Name of parent/guardian: Old Woman
Occupation of parent/guardian: ?
Address: Shoe
Number of children in household: So many
Names of children: ?
Notes:

Malnutrition (Broth without bread)
Abuse (Children have been whipped soundly)
Poor living conditions (Shoe)

Child Protective Services Report
Name of parent/guardian: ?
Occupation of parent/guardian: Father: woodcutter; Mother: unemployed
Address: Woods
Number of children in household: 2
Names of children: Hansel; Gretel
Notes:

Child endangerment (Mother has sent children into the woods alone twice)
Malnutrition (Children use bread for hiking and get candy from outside source)

Child Protective Services Report
Name of parent/guardian: ?
Occupation of parent/guardian: ?
Address: ?
Number of children in household: 2
Names of children: Jack; Jill
Notes:

Poor living conditions (No running water in home)
Child endangerment (Children were unsupervised and fell down a hill)

Just when you thought the political frenzy had died down

2009-03-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

The Obama Administration has chosen this Sesame Street resident (a Transylvanian-American) to chair a new math initiative, dubbing him "the Count you can change on."

Lady Macbeth's Amazon.com Wish List

2009-02-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

Comic for a wealthy audience

2009-02-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Gilman,

As the chair of the Forbes 400 BBQ planning committee, I'd like to thank you for accepting our offer for a time slot to be a featured entertainer at this year's event. Many of America's billionaires are fans of your work and specifically requested you to perform your comedy act for our annual get together. Since you'll be performing for an audience of the richest people in the nation whose assembled net worth is over $1.5 trillion, we ask that you make some slight modifications to your material so that your act is more audience appropriate.

With that in mind, please cut the following subjects from your routine:

Airline food
Health care
Waiting in lines
Buying a car
Driving a car
Public transportation
Mexican food
Grocery shopping
South Dakota
North Dakota
Oklahoma
American Idol
Trailer parks
Doritos

Thank you again, and we look forward to seeing you at the BBQ.

Sincerely,
Harold Memetz
385th Wealthiest American (Net Worth: $1.3 billion)
Chair, Forbes 400 BBQ Planning Committee
Winner, Magic Johnson Investor of the Year Scholarship, 1999

Hugs and kisses from Doodaw

2009-02-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

Dear James,

This is my first email! It's incredibly exciting. Your mother is showing me "the ropes." I heard that I had to start "learning email" before the television gets digital, so here I "go." Your grandmother is on the Internet, and I'm having a "ball!"

Your mother also showed me You Tube. I don't know where people find the time to make all of these "videos" when they're so busy on their computer phones and driving their electric cars all over the place. Mercy me, "times" change!

She also introduced me to World of Warcraft. I must say, goodness me it's so violent! I'm already a level three Gizmologist in the Haziatic Realm! Your mother knows so many things about computers! Did you teach her all of this? Your Peepaw and I might be in "over" our heads!

Your mom brought over some special mushrooms and I "experienced" my first trip! Maybe I should put these in my chicken noodle casserole you love so much! It was my first time, so I only had one gram, and that was plenty for me! Your Peepaw must have thought we were crazy with all the "oneness" and "unity" your mother and I were feeling!

Oh, here's something fun! Your mother "took" me on my first drive-by! We didn't get to shoot anybody, though. I think it was still a bit too cold, so everyone was inside. Mercy, it's been chilly here! I hope your weather has been a little more bearable.

Looking forward to catching up with you soon! Your Peepaw and I are so proud of you!

Your loving grandmother,
Doodaw

5 in blog years

2009-02-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

My first blog post was written five years ago yesterday. And somehow there still seems to be no discernible theme or focus. You'd think after five years this website would evolve into a sleek, polished collection of concise, well thought out humor pieces about one specific topic or at least be formatted with some consistency.

I guess there's always the next five years.

This week's book club homework assignment

2009-02-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

As you know, this week we're going to be reading the instruction manual for the Brother Multi-Function Center model 8220 all-in-one printer, copier, and fax machine. Unlike some of the author's previous works, the MFC-8220 manual is a denser read, so I've prepared some questions ahead of time to keep our meeting focused.

Discussion Questions:

1. What is the sociopolitical significance of the Beckett-like character of "Customer Service" who is referenced throughout the manual in classic deus ex machina style?

2. Most of the action in the manual covers the time span of a one-year limited warranty. What effect does this time constraint have on the plot? On the reader?

3. The manual takes place in an undetermined locale, but we know the temperature of the location must be between 50 and 90 degrees Fahrenheit. Why does the author specify the climate rather than the geographical location?

4. If we accept the precautionary warnings of injury and destruction that "may result from improper use" as Biblical allegory, what other literary parallels can we draw?

5. Clearly, the author wants us to believe that the emotional climax of the manual occurs in the chapter "Paper Jam Troubleshooting," but what other potential conflicts could have foreshadowed an even darker apogee?

6. What is symbolized in the MFC-8220's ability to only print black and white? Where else does the author allude to racial issues?

7. Who is in "the network" at the beginning of the manual? Who is in "the network" at the end of the manual? Why?

The nominees are

2009-01-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

Sure, it's possible that Milk will win Best Picture, but I'm not counting on it. However, the owners of The Harvey Milkshake are.

The Harvey Milkshake is the latest concoction in a line of movie-themed restaurants by the Envelope Please Restaurant Company. Since 1996, Envelope Please has been capitalizing on the success of top-rated movies and feeding America's love for Hollywood and casual dining. Its first foray into film food was the seafood restaurant Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Inspired by 1994's Best Picture Oscar winner Forrest Gump, Bubba Gump now has locations nationwide as well as franchises in Mexico, Japan, Bali, Philippines, Hong Kong, and Malaysia.

Envelope Please was convinced. Apparently, a Best Picture winner plus gimmicky food equals the perfect formula for success. So what did they do? They followed it up with the now equally successful nationwide chain of upscale bars, Schindler's Wine List, based on the 1993 Best Picture Schindler's List.

Of course the restaurants weren't always successful. Sometimes Best Pictures don't make the best restaurants. Public interest is often difficult to predict, and Envelope Please has had its share of failures: The Silence of the Lambs Vegan Grill, A Beautiful Pizza, The English Muffin, Ordinary Pasta, and Chariots of Fire Pit BBQ, just to name a few.

This year Envelope Please has taken an even bigger risk by opening The Harvey Milkshake, a West Hollywood ice cream parlor based on a Best Picture nominee rather than a winner. Patrons are greeted at the door with the recorded sound of Sean Penn's voice shouting, "My name is Harvey Milk, and I'm here to scoop you . . . our flavor of the day!"

Of course it's possible that Milk will win, adding The Harvey Milkshake to the company's history of Best Picture/restaurant pairings, both good and bad. But in the meantime, who's in the mood for some ice cream?

Money is tight

2009-01-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

The arts are struggling; that's all there is to it. Funding for arts programs suffers when the economy is in a slump like this. In order to cut costs, arts organizations are joining forces rather than trying to put on individual full-scale productions like usual.

Meet The Nuttapper.

The American Tap Dance Foundation is helping sponsor this year's Los Angeles Ballet production of The Nutcracker, which has been reworked for tap dancers by the one and only Savion Glover.

Glover actually championed the late Gregory Hines's ambition to rework Swan Lake, another of Tchaikovsky's ballets, in the same manner. Sadly, Shuffle Ball Lake never got off the ground. However, Glover thinks the timing couldn't be better for a project like The Nuttapper. See what we can accomplish when we work together?

Celebrate with ice cream

2009-01-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

I know you've heard it already, but I always like to celebrate Martin Luther King Day with this school announcement by Principal Davis:

Brandy (You're Not Really Fine At All)

2009-01-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

Elliot Lurie, lead singer of Looking Glass and writer of the hit "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)," finally ventured back almost 40 years later to the bar in the port town that inspired the song. Turns out he was drunk the first time.

"I've been sober going on 10 years," Lurie said. "Funny thing is, I didn't find out till I went back, but Brandy is pretty ugly. I mean she's hideous. I'm not saying that because she's 40 years older. Hell, we're all 40 years older. But I gotta tell you, when you're sober, Brandy looks like a man. I think she might be a man. An ugly, ugly man. She's what we in the music business call a 'Triple Dogger.' She's so ugly, Three Dog Night won't even go near her."

Some of last year's more enjoyable headlines

2009-01-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

Disney to unveil new ride based on the musical Rent

Fossil builds working clock into watch gift boxes

Spanish version of The View renamed from La Vista to El View

Murderers: The new killer

Oval Office interior decorator paints himself into a corner

For the same price

2009-01-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

Rick Steves' Europe
Join your host, Rick Steves, as he shows you the road less traveled through all of Europe from the bustling metropolitan cities to the rural, often-missed towns. A ten-part series.

Rick Steves' Ft. Lauderdale
Join your host, Rick Steves, as he shows you the "Venice of America" (Sausalito will be disappointed). Navigate the intricate canal system and learn about the nation's fourth Maccaroni Grill. A two-part series.

Rick Steves' Bedroom
Join your host, Rick Steves, as he shows you his home away from home (which is anywhere other than his home). Highlights include a segment on the contents of his nightstand and his collection of European flosses. A five-part series.

The post-holiday gift philosophy

2008-12-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

Two DVDs we should give our children.

One is

The other is

Problem solved

2008-12-16T14:41:00.000-08:00

As a writer, I often take on projects just to keep the creative juices flowing. This blog, for instance. One such project I recently finished had me writing fortunes for the fortune cookies at El China Bistro in Palos Verdes. Yeah, it sounded easy to me too until I sat down to write them. My mind was blank. I couldn't come up with a single fortune.

Then I remembered the game some people play where they add "in bed" to the end of fortunes for comedic effect. You know, like "You will meet a dark stranger . . . in bed" or "24 52 4 17 38 . . . in bed." And I wondered . . . would it work the other way around? So I bought a bunch of sex-oriented magazines - Playboy, Maxim, Cosmo, Newsweek - and I picked out every advertisement, advice column, and quiz, all of which invaribly say something like "Increase your stamina in bed" or "Make her melt in bed." I took all of these, removed the words "in bed," and I had my fortunes.

Here's how a few of them turned out:

Make every evening a pleasurable experience.

A warm sensation is waiting for you.

Have the time of your life.

Last half an hour or more.

Individual results may vary.

Making it work

2008-12-15T13:28:00.000-08:00

I've been up for days. My eyes have bags. My bags have bags. But I think I finally have a workable solution that will allow for a 10PM (PST) Jay Leno show in my schedule. To the casual eye, it may seem like I have simply moved my life back an hour and a half, but that's such a superficial glossing over that I'm embarrassed for you. I truly am.

To illustrate, I'll start with the proposed television program, and work through the following 24 hours:

10:oo PM Jay Leno program
10:30 PM Fall asleep during the second of four comedy segments (either a "Punk'd" style bit called "Jay-ded" or a sex-themed bit called "Va-Jay-Jay")
6:00 AM Wake up
7:00 AM Leave for work
11:00 AM Lunch
4:00 PM Finish work
4:30 PM Dinner
5:30 PM Chorus rehearsal
9:30 PM Catch up on the previous night's Jay Leno segments that I slept through (most likely a cross dressing bit where Leno plays a Hungarian-born actress and socialite called "Zsay Zsay" or an interview with Lionel Richie)
10:00 PM Jay Leno program

By the way, I created the above schedule with an open-source software called Jay-Cal. Highly recommended.

I know how she feels

2008-12-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

Blogger Booth Moore commented today on the new Target line by fashion designer Thakoon Panichgul and came to the conclusion that some of his new, less expensive designs for Target look remarkably like his original designs. Her argument is that had she waited, she could have paid $39.95 at Target instead of $1200 at Neiman Marcus.

I sympathize completely. Back in 1998 I bought the Michael Graves designed Humana Building in Louisville, KY. Humana was going through a dry spell and was liquidating property left and right. Having admired Graves's work for some time, I snatched up the downtown skyscraper for a cool $65 million and leased it back to the company. And you know what happened in 1999? Michael Graves made a deal with Target. If I had waited mere months, I could have had a teapot for $35.

Call in Jewish

2008-12-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Day Without a Gay! Today, as you may have read, supporters of equal rights decided to "call in gay" to work. Coinciding with International Human Rights Day and partially in response to the passing of California's Proposition 8, the homosexual community is taking a stand by refraining from working or shopping and encouraging participants to volunteer their time toward worthy causes elsewhere in the community.

This got me thinking. Unfortunately, there are far too many places in the world where antisemitism is more than just a chapter in history books. As a member of the Los Angeles Jewish community, I suggest that if this tactic of proving economic clout works for the gay community, the Jewish community should try it too.

Imagine it: millions of Jews across the globe taking a break from commerce for an entire day! We wouldn't work, we wouldn't purchase anything, we wouldn't use gasoline. This could revolutionize the fight for civil rights. Please understand, I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes. Day Without a Jew would be a separate day from Day Without a Gay. My suggestion? Saturday. This way your average employee could still work a full week - these are tough economic times after all - and simply refrain from participating in business or buying products on what is typically a popular day for spending money.

There is a downside. I have the feeling that most people will forget all about Day Without a Jew the very next day. Earth Day has been around almost 40 years, but I still have no idea when it is or what kind of gifts to give people. Here's the kicker: have Day Without a Jew every week. With this kind of regular, in-your-face tactic, there's nothing we can't accomplish. Friends, this Saturday, I urge you to consider calling in Jewish. Together, we really can make a difference.

2008-12-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

A side job

2008-10-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished a Photoshop class as part of the evening adult education program at the Rancho Park Baha'i Temple, and I'm now proud to offer my graphic design services for all your graphic design needs. The following is a sample of my work, excerpted from my portfolio.

Color Correction
Let's say you took a picture of a red bell pepper, but found out later that what you really needed was a picture of an orange bell pepper.

Image Manipulation

Let's say you took a picture of two people, but wanted to swap their heads for a comic effect.

After my three-week class, I can now do both of those things, plus four more really good things. That's six Photoshop things. The best part is, after only two or three freelance jobs doing one (or more!!!) of those six things, I'll be able to afford to buy the Photoshop software.

An oldie

2008-10-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

More yummy posts to come, but meanwhile here's an oldie from election time back in 2006 to enjoy all over again.

The Amazon.com giveaway

2008-10-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

You and I, we've faced the same problem. After years of ordering items through Amazon.com, I've accumulated my fair share of inexpensive add-ons that I only purchased in order to meet the $25 free shipping minimum. Before I knew it, I had more miscellany than I knew what to do with, so I'm giving it all away. They're yours for the taking, just let me know if anything interests you. The full list is available by request, but highlights include:

.25 oz can of PureBites beef liver flavor dog food
Ergostat Thermometer Calibrator refill pack
Pet Cemetery, Teacher's Edition with flash cards and sample lesson plans
Webb-Call travel size hubcap polish (matte finish)
Tattoo U temporary tattoos (Small Wonder edition)
"It's a Small World" musical bookmarks (one in German, one in Portuguese)
3-yard roll of Jerston's Waterproof Gift Wrap for rainy day parties

Uniting America

2008-10-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

Who knew that the stances that would unite the major US political parties would be pro-Israel and anti-gay marriage? If we learned anything from the vice presidential candidates' debate, it's that America supports Israel and civil unions. And from this we can deduce that the worst possible tragedy to strike this great country would be the destruction of Israel by Ellen and Portia DeGeneres.

Please confirm

2008-09-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

I heard that the Catholic rock band Genuflection does a Joan Osborne cover as part of their live set, but changes the words to "What if God was three of us?" Maybe it's just a rumor.

Cash N-2 Cash

2008-09-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

At Cash N-2 Cash, we'll turn your hard earned cash into cold hard cash. For your pocket! It couldn't be easier.

1. Pick up a free Cash N-2 Cash postage-paid envelope at any participating Payless ShoeSource or Sam Goody.

2. Put all your unused or forgotten about cash in the envelope.

3. Drop the envelope in the mail.

That's all there is to it. Then we exchange your cash for cash at current market value and ship it to you next day. Next day! For your pocket! Don't let your cash lie around in a sock drawer or coffee can or one of those cool shaving cream cans with the false bottom. Turn it into cash today. For your pocket!

Where it all started

2008-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's rare that I'm able to snag an interview and rarer still that it's an interview with someone who has the kind of recognition and familiarity of our subject today.

Meet Derrick "The Voice" Merchant. You may not have heard of him, but you've undoubtedly heard him. In 1983, Derrick's voice was used as the model for the then-blossoming automatic recorded voice industry. His voice was sampled and has since been used thousands of times on phone systems, talking calculators, and computer software. I recently found out that Derrick lives with his family here in Los Angeles, and he agreed to meet with me to talk about the voice behind the man behind the voice.

Enjoy.

Download the interview or listen to it in the sidebar audio player.

The Hybrids

2008-09-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

Or maybe I'm thinking of the song about the guy whose good pal is dating the post-op sex change patient. "She's my best friend's girl, but she used to be Mike."

The next endeavor

2008-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

My latest publication is coming along nicely, thanks for asking. For those who may not be aware, it's a "choose your own adventure" style cookbook entitled Fame Broiled.* Here's an excerpt:

You enter the dungeon using the key you found in the chest. In the dungeon you find a GE Profile™ Counter-depth Energy Star® 23.2 Cu. Ft. Side-by-Side Refrigerator, which contains all the ingredients for egg salad.

* 8 eggs
* 1 tablespoon mayonnaise
* 2 tablespoons prepared Dijon-style mustard
* 1 teaspoon dried dill weed
* 1 teaspoon paprika
* 1/2 red onion, minced
* salt and pepper to taste

If you decide to serve the egg salad on bread as a sandwich, turn to page 83.
If you decide to serve the egg salad over crisp lettuce garnished with a sprig of parsley, turn to page 42.

I'm on the edge of my seat, and I wrote it!

*I found out the name Fame Broiled is taken, so the book is now called Over Easy Does It.**

**I found out the name Over Easy Does It is taken, so the book is now called Something in the Whey Cheese Moves.***

***I found out the name Something in the Whey Cheese Moves is taken, so the book is now called My Private Pepper Mill: A Memoir.

Homemade remedies

2008-07-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

There are always economical and sensible solutions if you know where to look. If you like all natural health and beauty products, but are tired of paying outrageously for them, look no further than your kitchen cupboard and recreate your favorite items at home for a fraction of the cost.

Love the Neutrogena brand, but not the price? Here are the easy-to-find ingredients for their Facial Cleansing Bar:

Triethanolamine, TEA Stearate, Sodium Tallowate, Glycerin, Water Purified, Sodium Cocoate, Sodium Ricinoleate, TEA Oleate, Cocamide DEA, Fragrance, Tocopherol

Triethanolamine: This can be made by simply combining ethylene oxide with aqueous ammonia. Just keep the ratio under control; as with any amines, it may have the potential to create nitrosamines.

TEA Stearate: Merely the waxy solid version of triethanolamine. Consult your neighborhood candle maker, who will likely have an extra batch on hand.

Sodium Tallowate: Use steam to mix lye and animal fat (tallow). Sound easy? It is.

Glycerin: Also "glycerol," it's a 10% by-product of biodiesel production (via the transesterification of vegetable oils). And we all know that "by-product" really means there's no need to "buy product"!

Purified Water: I collect rain water, but leftover dish or bath water work equally well.

Sodium Cocoate: Similar to sodium tallowate. Hydrolysis of the ester linkages in coconut oil with lye, and you're done.

Sodium Ricinoleate: A sclerosing agent; just ask your family chemist for some. My aunt used to keep a whole bottle of it in her medicine cabinet.

TEA Oleate: Naturally found in olive oil and the decaying corpses of a number of insects. A nature hike and a peek in your pantry, and you're all set.

Cocamide DEA: Another coconut derivative made by simply reacting fatty acids in coconut oils with diethanolamine. Most people do this all the time and don't even know it.

Tocopherol: Just a component of Vitamin E, so look no further than green, leafy vegetables.

That's all there is to it! If you need help figuring out the amounts of each ingredient, I've found that Neutrogena is happy to supply this information. Simply send a self-addressed stamped envelope and a check for $25 with "Cleansing Bar Recipe" in the memo line to the address on their company website.

Next time: MAKE A DISPOSABLE CAMERA IN YOUR OFFICE CUBICLE!

End of my association

2008-05-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Good American people,

With the popularity and readership this blog has amassed, I regret that I must disavow myself from a spiritual figure who, until now, has been instrumental in my religious life. As most of you know, my family was very close with Rabbi Jeremiah Wrightberg. His controversial sermons have been linked to this blog, but I assure you that the opinions of Rabbi Wrightberg have no bearing or connection to those of this website or any of my own. Of course it is unfortunate that I must distance myself from someone who was such an integral part of my past, including officiating at both my bris and bar mitzvah. But you can understand why I cannot be associated with someone who espouses such politically charged words as:

"Bagel and shmear? BAGEL AND SHMEAR? NO NO NO! BAGEL AND FEAR!"
- Shabbat morning sermon, 3-18-95

Makes me feel fine

2008-03-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

It's time for everyone's favorite animal art show, Seals and Crafts! This week: rubber ball decoupage.

Definition

2008-03-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

Nostalgic Rice Wine = Old Times Sake

Yes, let's

2008-03-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

On behalf of ourselves and the family of the groom, we cordially welcome you to the wedding of our daughter, Faith. Yo, we're so honored that you could join us for this bizang. We assure you, it will be the shiznit. For those of you joining us for the rehearsal dinner, we'll be kicking it old school in Ballroom C at the Four Seasons. Holla. Dress is semi-formal, bee-atches. The wedding ceremony will be at 11 AM the following morning. We'll be dropping Pachelbel like it's hot. After the reception, you can get your rice on as we send the couple off to their honeymiznoon.

Synopsis

2008-03-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

Halfway through my 30th year, I was inspired by some of my favorite writers (mostly by Calvin Trillin to write about food and by Max Barry to make the writing accessible) to try to take my writing long form. So I'm blogging a novel.

Synopsis:
Can a franchise owner accidentally bring down one of the most successful restaurant enterprises in America by knowing too much about food? It's a story of immigration, the advertising industry, and a fast food notion, and it's blogged to you one chapter at a time.

If it were up to me

2008-02-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

I-25

2008-01-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

If you haven't yet come over to my place to play Bingo on my Wii, consider this your invitation. That's right. Bingo on my Wii. I just picked it up yesterday, and as you can imagine, I can't put it down. Mostly because I can't figure out how to unstrap the controller from my wrist, but the point is I wouldn't want to put it down if I could.

If you've never played on a Wii system, it takes some time to get used to the specific elbow/wrist motion, which is why the console comes with practice games like Wii Waving, Wii Alimony Check Signing, and Wii Wicka-Wicka (the onomatopoetic name of the Wii DJ record scratching game). But once you catch on, Wii Bingo has the potential to be almost enjoyable and highly addictive.

You have the choice of roles: you can either be the bingo player, using your Wii controller as a dauber to stamp your randomly selected Bingo card or you can be the bingo caller, using your controller to spin the Bingo ball cage. I can't wait to take you on in a game, because you're going down, my friend! Down! By the way, if you decide to come over, just come on in since I'll probably be in the middle of a game.

Las Cruces

2008-01-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

Check out Camden's new blog The Crux Metro for some intelligent and entertaining conversation on the world of marketing, advertising, and technology. Who's the proud brother? That's right. Me.

Celebrating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day with Here's The Thing

2008-01-21T13:15:00.001-08:00

A seasonal (re)offering as we remember the life's work of our foremost civil rights visionary. This audio clip is also available on the Here's The Thing CD as well as at www.myspace.com/sketchdaddy. Enjoy!

Frozen Novelties

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Imitating art

2008-01-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

The Bucket List, the new Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson buddy flick, debuted at number one at the box office over the weekend, and in the few days since, the inevitable has happened: children everywhere are demanding buckets. It's nothing unusual; countless movies before it set the precedent. After Stuart Little and Ratatouille, sales of pet rodents shot up everywhere. After seeing Citizen Kane or Cool Runnings, what kid didn't want a sled or bobsled, respectively? Merely the latest of these viewing/purchasing frenzies, The Bucket List has so far quadrupled bucket sales in all major markets, although interestingly, sales of lists have fallen slightly.

Before parents rush to the neighborhood cleaning supply or house wares store, child psychologist Dr. Stephanie Pantsleg offers this warning: "A new bucket may seem like a harmless impulse buy, but a responsible parent must consider the long term ramifications of such a purchase. Is the child old enough to understand the responsibilities involved in bucket ownership? If the child gets tired of the bucket, will it sit empty and neglected? The answers to both of which can be found in my new book, available at the end of February."

A coupon you can print

2007-12-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

New items

2007-11-29T11:22:00.000-08:00

Check out Chelsea's new blog, Cruising Altitude about her many travels!

I also added the neat little slide show feature complete with pictures from Here's The Thing for your enjoyment.

Love,
Duncan

Wish me luck.

2007-11-22T18:23:00.001-08:00

HOUR ONE
I'm so glad I brought my laptop with me. I'm writing this using an intermittent wireless signal that could only be coming from the Wienerschnitzel next door. I can't imagine what other wireless network could be called "ChlCheez," but then again I can't imagine who uses wireless Internet at Wienerschnitzel. I'm sitting in line outside of Schwartzbaum's Judaica in Sherman Oaks waiting for midnight when the doors will open and the Hanukkah shopping madness that is the Friday after Thanksgiving will commence. Of course by "line," I'm referring to me and Mrs. Nagel, the Sisterhood president, but it's early yet. If last year's menorah rush is any indication, by hour two the line will go down the block.
HOUR TWO
It must be the weather that's keeping people away. Their loss; more bargain-priced dreidels for me. Mrs. Nagel offered me chicken soup. I accepted, and she passed me her copy of Chicken Soup for the Reconstructionist Soul.
HOUR THREE
I don't feel well. I shouldn't have eaten Mrs. Nagel's book.
HOUR FOUR
This is nuts; I'm getting my chocolate coins at Costco.

Just to let you know

2007-11-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

FYI, the phrase "there's no such thing as a free lunch" is actually incorrect. The way it was orginally printed in the Chicago Sun-Times (which was then called the Evening Journal) in 1863 read "there's no such thing as free lunch," clearly without the article "a." It wasn't until 106 years later that the "a" was added by mistake when Neil Armstrong, after stepping foot on the moon's surface, said, "There's no such thing as a free lunch," thus forever changing history.

I accept

2007-11-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Dr. Riss Zongo
Bill and Exchange Manager
Foreign Remittance Department
African Development Bank
Burkina Faso, West Africa

Dear Dr. Zongo:

I recently received your proposal via email to transfer $15.5 million from your deceased client's account in West Africa to my name in order to avoid the hassle of having the sum collected by your government. After carefully reviewing your letter with both my lawyer and accountant, you’ll be happy to know I have decided to accept your offer.

First and foremost, let me say how deeply saddened I am to hear about the tragic death of your client and every single member of your client’s family in the 2003 plane crash. As difficult as it is to lose a loved one, I can’t even begin to imagine the heartbreak of losing an entire family. Although on the bright side – if such a thing exists in these circumstances – I suppose there’s not much heartbreak involved, since no one is left in mourning.

Despite this most painful of situations, please allow me to express how privileged I feel to even have been considered a worthy partner in this financial endeavor. No doubt your search committee was impressed with my impeccable FICO score, including my $500 credit line at Banana Republic and my Starbucks Duetto card, both of which, I’m proud to say, are paid in full at the end of every month.

As far as the details of the transaction, I greatly appreciate your generous distribution of the funds. The thirty percent you suggested for my fee is more than adequate for my participation as foreign partner. Regarding the initial lump sum deposit, I spoke with Debbie at the Wells Fargo branch where I do my banking. It was on her recommendation that I switched my account from “Basic Checking” (which, if you’re ever in the market for an American checking account, is quite the deal; they charge for checks and online bill pay, but there’s no account minimum) to “Platinum Checking.” I also found out that Debbie’s daughter Anna just got her first period, if you can believe that. Time just rushes away like the wind, doesn’t it?

I must admit that when I first read your email, it sounded ridiculous, but my subsequent research convinced me that plane crashes killing entire families leaving no next of kin to inherent tens of millions of dollars aren’t so infrequent after all. I look forward to doing business with you.

Sincerely,
Duncan Gilman

P.S. Are you at all related to the Burkina Prime Minister Tertius Zongo? As you probably know, he held your bank position many years ago, so I naturally assumed nepotism, but perhaps in West Africa Zongo is like Smith in the United States or Goldberg in Florida.

I think you're pretty neat

2007-10-26T09:59:00.002-07:00

Thanks so much to everyone who has purchased a copy of the HERE'S THE THING CD! You're making future shows possible. Speaking of which, don't forget to save your CD receipt (email confirmation would do just fine); each one is good for a half price ticket to next year's show.

If you get a minute, I'd love for you to leave a review on the CD Baby page. Even if you saw the show live and haven't purchased a CD yet, you can still leave a review of the show. That would just be the icing on the cake. Not the disgusting fluffy kind, the classic sugary stuff. Or maybe the filling in a German chocolate cake. I could eat that stuff without a cake at all.

Ready to ship

2007-10-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start my Tuesday early. That's how excited I am. HERE'S THE THING is now available for purchase from CD Baby. This is the full, uncut show just as you would have heard it (as many of you did) if you were in the audience (as many of you were).

Listen to samples, then buy one, then buy a second one for a friend. They make great dreidel-stuffers and even better Halloween party favors. Seriously, let's you and I make this the best-selling comedy album CD Baby has ever seen.

I hope you have as much fun listening to it as I had making it.

Love,
Duncan

I can't help it

2007-10-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm overcoming my fear of miniatures little by little.

Irrash

2007-10-05T12:07:00.001-07:00

I've started posting my irrational fears as status updates on Facebook, but I thought it was rude of me to only share them with friends. So here are a few of them, shared with everyone. I like to share. I don't have a fear of sharing.

I'm overcoming my fear of ladders one step at a time.

I'm overcoming my fear of calendars day by day.

I'm also overcoming my fear of Godspell day by day.

Not only that, but I'm overcoming my fear of Bonnie Franklin one day at a time.

Rambunctious

2007-09-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sure the theme will be "Memories Shared" or "Turning Pages" or "Turning the Pages of Memories Shared." I'll be introduced to "my wife Dara" and "my husband Trent." I’ll reminisce about what a great football team we had and then two drinks later about what a terrible football team we had. Another three drinks after that I’ll be convinced I was on the football team. I’m going to my ten-year high school reunion in September, and – I’m not going to lie – I’ve been looking forward to it for ten years.

Why shouldn’t I look forward to it? I’m fairly happy with the progress of my career, and I’ve aged fairly well. What else matters? What would complete my first reunion experience? The answer is as clear as Dara’s fourth gin and tonic, which she needs if she has to hear her husband flirt with yet another ex-girlfriend (“What is this, the electric slut parade?” Dara asks under her gin breath.) I need a family. I have one month to get married, buy a house, and adopt two children. I think that’s doable. They do it all the time in Hollywood.

Beer Nutz

2007-09-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

The HERE'S THE THING live album is nearer to completion every day, and if your mouth is watering half as much as mine in anticipation, you'll soon ruin your keyboard.

Another distraction while you wait: Beer Nutz is now available from Amazon!

I was one of the writers and editors on this show that Traveling Light put together for the Mojo network. It's two guys who go around the country goofing off and drinking beer. What an awesome show!

Share the love

2007-09-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

For the times you just want to reach out and hold someone close.

Friendship

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Another video greeting card

2007-09-01T11:06:00.001-07:00

Let someone know you care with this touching "get well soon" video card.

Get Well Soon

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While you wait

2007-09-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

I know how anxiously you're awaiting the arrival of the HERE'S THE THING live album. Trust me, so am I. My Labor Day estimate was optimistic. It looks like the end of the month now, but they are well on their way in the replication process.

In the meantime, I made a few video greeting cards you can use for those special occasions when mere words aren't enough. Here's the first.

CONDOLENCES: a video greeting card

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DGFC in print

2007-08-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

Hey all you Duncan Gilman Fan Club members, we've been published. College Prowler puts out annual guides for different universities, and on page 7 of the University of Texas 2007 guide, the Duncan Gilman Fan Club is cited as an example of one of the more unique student organizations.

You can purchase the book or use the "Search Inside this book" feature on Amazon and type in "Duncan" to see the reference.

The latest

2007-08-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

The CD is mixed and sounds great! The duplication process took a back seat to some recent travels, but it's back underway. I'm still hoping to have CDs out by Labor Day; I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Duncan

News and news

2007-07-18T16:09:00.001-07:00

Happy updates for HERE'S THE THING fans:

The live recording of Here's The Thing will soon be available for purchase! The CD goes in for a mix tomorrow and straight into production next week, which means a brand new Here's The Thing CD full of nudist fundraisers, public television, lemon herb chicken wings, and more might just be in your hands by Labor Day. And nothing makes a better Labor Day gift than a solo sketch comedy album. Really.
The follow up show, And Another Thing, is currently in development and will hopefully be hitting a stage near you, and if not near you, I have plenty of flyer miles.

See you soon!

Demolicious

2007-06-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Brian: You liked the demo?

Producer: I did, absolutely. Did you like it?

Brian: Yes. I made it.

Producer: Because that’s what’s important. That you liked it.

Brian: I did, and apparently so did you.

Producer: I liked it if you liked it.

Brian: I’m not sure what that means. Did you like demo or not?

Producer: I’m happy if you’re happy.

Brian: What didn’t you like?

Producer: Well, since you asked, how do you feel about the order?

Brian: The order of what?

Producer: The lyrics were a little confusing. Maybe I’m just unclear on this, but the jumping, the jiving, and the wailing?

Brian: That’s how the song goes. You gotta jump and jive, and then you wail. It’s Louis Prima.

Producer: Okay, right there. I think those instructions could be a little clearer.

Brian: How could it be any clearer than “jump, jive and wail”?

Producer: It’s a lot to have to remember. People are just getting finished with the jump, and then you throw in a jive. What the hell is a jive anyway?

Brian: I thought you said you liked the demo.

Producer: I do, I do. But I think these days a song has to be clear and it has to be easy. If people don’t know how to jive, they’re going to be confused. By the time they figure out what a jive is, you’ve already wailed and they’ve missed it. They missed the wail altogether. Now do you want your fans to be confused or enthused?

Brian: I want them to be enthused.

Producer: Well, I vote we take out the jive.

Brian: You want the song to just be “Jump and Wail”?

Producer: I’m just trying to help.

Brian: Well, I’m not changing Louis Prima’s song to “Jump and Wail.” You need all three. Jump, jive, and wail. All three are equally important.

Producer: Is it the rhythm? Are you concerned about the rhythm? Just substitute a new word. Something people know. I don’t know, something like “jump for joy and then you wail.”

Brian: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Producer: How about “jump, move, and wail”?

Brian: No. I’m not changing it to “jump, move, and wail.”

Producer: At least consider changing the order. Maybe if you put the jive at the end, it wouldn’t matter as much.

Brian: “Jump, wail, and jive”?

Producer: What do you think?

Brian: I think I hate it.

Producer: Oh come on.

Brian: I think it sucks. And before you even go there, I also hate “wail, jump, and jive."

Producer: Well of course you could never say that.

Brian: Finally reason has broken through.

Producer: People would think you were talking about whale jumping. I think it definitely has to be “jump, wail, and jive.”

Brian: Louis Prima is jump, wail, and jiving in his grave.

Producer: You keep saying that name. Was he a Stray Cat or something?

Brian: I’m outta here.

American Idol Didle Didle

2007-06-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Poor Fred Flintstone. For years he tried desperately to break into the legitimate theater, but the only role he could pull off was Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof.

Bamm-Bamm: Times are changing, Reb Fred. BAMM-BAMM! The thing is, over a year ago, your daughter, Pebbles, and I gave each other our pledge that we would marry. BAMM-BAMM!
Fred: You gave each other a... pledge?
Pebbles: Yes, Papa. We gave each other our pledge.

Fred: A caveman on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Bedrock, you might say every one of us is a cavemen on the roof with a woolly mammoth dishwasher and a pet dinosaur. It isn't easy living in the stone age. You may ask 'Why do we stay?' Well, we stay because Bedrock is our home. And how did we get here? That I can tell you in one word: animation!

Fred: If I were a rich man! Ya-ba-da-ba-da-ba, ya-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba doooo!

Thanks so much

2007-05-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

The show was a great success! Exciting and nerve-wracking and fun and hopefully the beginning of many more writing adventures that I see through to fruition and not to a desk drawer. Pictures and clips soon, I promise.

Love,
Duncan

Tickets available!

2007-03-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Tickets for Here's The Thing are now available through TheaterMania either online or over the phone. Just use the ticket menu to the right.

The show runs for two nights only (May 11 & 12):

Two Roads Theatre
4348 Tujunga Avenue
Studio City, CA 91604

Ready, set, advertise

2007-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

It's coming, and possibly sooner than expected. I checked with my favorite neighborhood theater, and the dates I want are available. The catch is, the manager will give me close to half off if I rent his theater for two weekends at the end of March instead of one weekend in the middle of May. May had a nice comfortable distance to it. March is almost here.

But whichever date I decide, this is the event you've (of course I mean I've) been waiting for. It will be basically a glorified reading of my favorite blog posts, but with costumes and sound effects and a REALLY nice 50 seat theater.

I'll be deciding the date soon, so get ready to tell as many people as you possibly can and then ten more after that.

Yeah, what's new

2007-02-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

You're upset. I can tell. Oh, don't look at me like that. I know. It's been too long. Here's the update. I've been submitting some of my work to places like New West (the online magazine), MAD (the print magazine), and McSweeney's (they have both, but I went with the online one). And I'm also still compiling the best of this site for a staged reading type of thing. Chew on this while you wait:

My imaginary interview with Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning

It was quite the exciting beginning and mediocre ending for Super Bowl XLI (the “x” is silent) last Sunday. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning never sat down with me afterward to discuss the game, but if he did, I imagine it would have gone like this.

Duncan Gilman: Aside from the turnover drinking game at my Super Bowl watching party, that was a fairly bland game on Sunday. Agree or disagree?

Peyton Manning: I’d have to disagree. It was pretty exciting on the field.

DG: Most of us were not on the field though; most of us were at home. Agree or disagree?

PM: That’s probably true. Most of the people who watched the game weren’t actually there.

DG: Let’s talk about the Budweiser commercials for a second. Better than last year?

PM: I didn’t see the commercials from the field.

DG: Any of them?

PM: I didn’t see any of them.

DG: You missed out.

PM: That depends on how you look at it.

DG: I look at it from the standpoint that you missed out.

PM: Fair enough.

DG: So do you consider the Colts’ win a personal victory?

PM: Like they say, there’s no “i” in team.

DG: But there is in Manning. Speaking of your name, what’s it like to be the only football player in the family?

PM: Actually, my brother Cooper used to play, and my brother Eli still plays. And my dad was in the NFL for over a decade.

DG: Of course. What I was going to say is what’s it like to be the only football player in the family who’s a quarterback?

PM: My dad was a quarterback, and Eli is quarterback for the Giants.

DG: Would you let me finish the question please?

PM: I’m sorry, I thought that was the whole question.

DG: Well, it wasn’t.

PM: Again, I’m sorry. Go ahead. I won’t interrupt this time.

DG: Thank you. That’s all I ask. As I was saying, what’s it like to be the only football player in the family who’s a quarterback who has a multi-million dollar advertising deal with Haribo gummy candies?

PM: I don’t have a deal with Haribo gummy candies.

DG: My bad. So what’s next for this MVP? The World Series? PGA tournament? British Open?

PM: I’m going to stick with football for the time being.

DG: Never considered the NBA?

PM: Nope.

DG: I have.

PM: You have?

DG: Yeah, I’ve considered the NBA. You know, if this writing thing doesn’t work out. You seem surprised.

PM: No, it’s nothing.

DG: Oh do tell. I’d love to hear what someone who knows nothing about professional basketball thinks about my career goals.

PM: Well, how tall are you?

DG: Five foot seven, the same height as basketball legend Spud Webb.

PM: Are you comparing yourself to Spud Webb?

DG: No. Are you?

PM: No.

DG: Then that makes two of us who aren’t comparing ourselves to Spud Webb.

Yes, I’m certain that’s exactly how the interview would have gone. Next week I’ll be posting the transcript of my imaginary interview with film director Martin Scorsese, in which I mention the “i” in his name and we don’t compare ourselves with Spud Webb.

Director's Commentary

2007-01-17T16:10:00.001-08:00

Hello. This is the voice of Dick Hardrock, and you’re listening to the director commentary feature on the DVD version of The Sexorcist. What you’re seeing now, of course, is the opening credit sequence. Those of you familiar with The Sexorcist 2: The Second Coming will be interested to know that the phallic device you see in this shot is in fact the original Pleasure Piece. We only used Pleasure Piece brand items in The Sexorcist and the sequel. I should point out, though, that the method you see demonstrated here in the credits is not advised in the instruction manual.

Now that opening shot, we got that on the first take. These two just nailed it, if you’ll excuse my . . . you know.

You know, even though The Sexorcist was actually one of the highest budgeted erotic films when it was made, it still holds the record as one of the top five shortest films ever produced. And here you see the closing credits, which of course immediately followed the opening credits. We just wanted to have a nice little film sandwich with credits on the top, credits on the bottom, and well, there’s really nothing inside the sandwich to speak of, but those two pieces of bread are fairly important.

A foothold

2007-01-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

You remember Invention Convention? What am I thinking, of course you do. Now it's called Invent America! That exclamation point is part of the name, not part of my sentence. I'm not the one who's excited, they are. Glad we cleared that up! Very glad!

My invention was called Shoe Nets. The objective of this elementary school inventing program was to get students to create a product that filled a need. I set out to fill my need to somehow unfill my tennis shoes of rocks after an exhausting recess period of letting Victoria chase me around the playground. What did she demand of me when I (purposefully of course - boys run faster than girls) was caught? That I sing to her - I promise this is true - a Righteous Brothers tune of my choice.

Back to Shoe Nets. What elementary school kid in his right mind would ever want to wear a band of netting around the top of his shoe? Apparently at age eight I was blissfully unaware of another little invention called pants.

So I have to say the phone call I got today totally threw me for a loop. A multi-million dollar loop, that is. It was from a Mr. Cal Poly in the Federated States of Micronesia. He wants to make Shoe Nets.

Shocked. Shocked and speechless for, I'd say, fifteen to twenty seconds. I was speechless the whole fifteen to twenty seconds, but only shocked the first ten or so. I regained my composure.

"Mr. Poly, was it? How on earth did you find out about Shoe Nets?"

He then went on to explain his promotion from shoe manufacturer to city planner and went into detail about how suddenly his country, the Federated States of Micronesia, was now the third largest in the world in terms of total gravel and how the citizens needed relief from what they've deemed the "Pebble Plague." He conducted a massive search that obviously had to extend beyond the Internet since "website" wasn't a frequently used term in 1986, and it pretty much came down to a case of good old fashioned six degrees.

And there you have it. By the way, I will be moving to the Federated States of Micronesia around the middle of February to help Cal Poly open up shop. Send me an email if you want the full address. I don't have it memorized yet. I don't even know where the country is. All I know is that it's sort of near Guam.

If you know of any interested investors, give me a call. Also, if you know where I can get my hands on several hundred thousand yards of netting, that would be helpful too.

McRib

2006-12-22T13:02:00.001-08:00

Good evening. Please take a moment to look at your course schedules. If it doesn’t say “Culture of McRib 105” then you are in the wrong place. So everybody is here for Culture of McRib 105? Good.

My name is Duncan Gilman. I’ll be the instructor for the course. In addition to this period, you have each signed up for one of the two lab sections, which are taught by our TAs Sarah and Justin. Sarah is a graduate student here in the department of Fast Food and Communications, and Justin is finishing his undergrad requirements for a minor in McOlogy.

Two things you should know about this class before you decide whether or not you’d like to take it for a grade or take it pass/fail. One. The tests are cumulative. Two. For the past three months I’ve been engaging in various forms of sexual intercourse with the chair of the music school’s radio jingle department, Dr. Rachel Flemming. And if you’ve had Dr. Flemming, although I’m guessing none of you have had Dr. Flemming like I’ve had Dr. Flemming, then you know what I mean.

Your text for this course will be “Fast Food Notion,” not to be confused with the similar sounding “Bridget Jones’s Diary.” As this is a prerequisite for McPsych 305, the recommended reading also includes “McFlurry: A Better Blizzard,” “What’s Love Got To Eat With It: The Jared Fogle Story,” “Tuesdays with Morgan Spurlock,” and of course the great fast food tragedy “MacBeth.”

To become a little more familiar with our subject, we're going to start off with some silent eating. Please turn to your McRib and begin. Feel free to raise your hand with any napkins.

What has gotten into me?

2006-12-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen Renée Zellweger lately? Is she okay? I think she might have Bridget Jones's Diarrhea.

Could be a result of Bridget Jones's Dairy. She's lactose intolerant.

For my school project, I've constructed Bridget Jones's Diorama.

Indiana Jones's Diary. Finally the truth about that whip is revealed.

Bridget Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars . . .

We knew the gang war was imminent when we read the message scrawled on the cement: "Bridget Jones, Die Already!"

Could it be any fresher or uniquer?

2006-12-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

I invented a brand new art form called “standup poetry.” The problem is that the poetry open mic nights don't allow standup comedy, and the standup comedy open mic venues don't allow poetry. But to my advantage, two negatives equal . . . something, I don’t know, I was never really that good at math.

Nevertheless, I’d like to debut my first work of standup poetry, entitled “What Is The Deal With Crisp Autumn Air?”

----------

Over snow-capped mountains, over icy streams, I just flew in.
My arms! My arms! Boy, tired are they.

What is the deal with crisp autumn air?
With quick falling leaves? My mother-in-law’s hair?

I turn the pages of the people who’ve passed
A priest, a rabbi, Dracula, and the Easter bunny, all before their time.

What is the deal with crisp autumn air?
Criticize who’s gone, but don’t knock knock who’s there.

Somewhere among his fondest memories and the dew of an untold day,
Walks this guy, into a bar.

What is the deal with crisp autumn air?
Take my wife. Please. If you dare.

As the chicken to the road, so too the blond will cross your mind.
Yet still, your mother is fat. So fat, so very fat.

Shout out! Shout out! Shout out to my homies!
The turntable plays and the stereo types.

What is the deal with crisp autumn air?
And waving your hands as if you just don’t?

Suggestions?

2006-11-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not really getting much done here. What I need is a site that lends itself to writing. Somewhere I can continually update stories and you can read a chapter at a time. Something clean and slick and easily navigable. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

Thanks!

NaNoWriMo

2006-10-31T14:15:00.000-08:00

This is the truth. I'm writing to inform you that at midnight tonight I will begin participation in NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month, which, as you might have guessed is November, is a month-long writing endeavor that I'm hoping will have an impact on my writing style and habits. The idea is to assemble 50,000 words by November 30, and I'm hoping that having a deadline will jumpstart my productivity.

So yes, I'm writing to say I won't be writing for a while. If I figure out a way to post the novel as I go and still make it look pretty and navigable, I'll let you know.

If you know me at all, I think it's pretty obvious that the novel is going to be about a public television art instructor, a la Bob Ross, who passes away. His death inspires several devoted members of his fan club to meet for the first time. The story is their journey someplace they've never been to gather with people they've never met to share devotion to a man they never knew. Thrilling.

My greatest fear

2006-10-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Several of my friends are either having babies soon or have had babies in the last year. And to the best of my knowledge, they still have them. Life changing decisions like getting married or not getting married and children or no children and mushrooms or just extra cheese all come with their share of irrational fears. I'm one step ahead of the game. I've already cultivated my fear of fatherhood, and it comes down to this. My greatest fear is that my wife and I will be stuck with the only dyslexic obstetrician in town, who will, of course, keep shouting "Pull! Pull!"

It's the elephant that suffers

2006-10-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

The Air Wick commercial. The one advertising the automatic room freshener that sprays at timed intervals. Let's move beyond the fact that the "couple" demonstrating how to properly use the canister is an elephant and a centipede. That's right, in case you haven't paid close attention to the animated spot, the wife is an elephant and the husband is a centipede. But we're moving beyond the idiocy and the ultimately destructive nature of what can only be a doomed relationship.

We're ignoring that to go straight to the device itself, which will spray air freshener every 9, 18, or 36 minutes. I have only this to say: if you find yourself needing to spray your house with air freshener every nine minutes, it's time to move. No amount of lavender vanilla is going to mask something that strong. Forget the cucumber melon, it's time to pack your things and find a house that doesn't reek so horribly that you have to spray air freshener every nine minutes.

Disturbing items I won't go into at this point:

1. It's the ELEPHANT wife who is complaining that the CENTIPEDE husband smells. (?)

2. What's the deal with 9, 18, and 36? What kind of intervals are those? What happened to good old 10, 20, and 30?

3. The elephant wife is portrayed as the perpetually cleaning housewife. Is this still 1950? Did the Elephant Liberation Movement mean nothing?

Not any more

2006-10-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

I used to love casino buffets. Not anymore. Not since I was thrown out of the all-you-can-eat pasta bar at The Nugget when a security camera caught me counting carbs.

Finally

2006-09-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Procrastinators want you to think they "are people too." At least that's what I got from the name of their organization Procrastinators Are People Too. I could go for the obvious jokes about postponed meetings, but the sad truth of the matter is that by the time they got around to uniting in protest over unfair treatment, it was so long after the original upset that no one could remember what it was about.

It's incredibly sad when you stop to think about it. So I wouldn't stop to think about it if I were you. I mean think about it - here are all these PAPT members who FINALLY got it together enough to schedule this incredible moment of social action and no one even remembers why they're picketing in the first place.

The irony brought tears to my eyes as I crossed to the other side of the street, but even the honking cars between the protestors and me couldn't drown out their shouts:

"What do we want?
EQUALITY!
When do we want it?
LATER!"

Music to the rescue

2006-09-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

I believe it was Ringo who said "Give peace a chance. Failing that, give peace a key change." It's that spirit that encouraged hundreds of Palestinians to come out and play . . . instruments. The third annual Middle East Music Festival (also known as the East Fest) lasted all day yesterday and well into the night. The event was sponsored by the PLO - the Palestinian Lyric Opera - and included such notable acts as The Hamas and The Papas, Sunni and Share, and Koran Koran. The East Fest continues to be a source of artistic and spiritual inspiration as it spreads its message of peace through music.

Something exciting

2006-09-12T13:51:00.000-07:00

No excuse for not posting recently, but a great excuse for a new post. Becca talks about life as an expectant mother. I'm no doctor, but it seems that usually when you're an expectant mother, you eventually become a mother. From now on I'm going to refer to myself as an expectant writer.

The MySpace security survey

2006-08-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

This is not a waste of time; these questions are vital to global safety.

1. Are you a terrorist?
No

2. Are you sure?
Yes

3. How about family members?
Nope

4. Friends?
Nada

5. Chocolate or peanut butter?
Both

6. How would you feel about having your phones tapped?
Fine

7. That means we'd hear all of your calls.
Yeah, no problem

8. Are you sure there's nothing you don't want us to hear?
Be my guest, tap my phones

9. Why are you so eager to have your phones tapped? What are you trying to hide?
I've got nothing to hide

10. We'll see about that.
What do you mean?

11. You don't ask the questions here. I ask the questions.
Why so defensive? Do YOU have something to hide?

12. So . . . anyway . . . Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?
No, hang on a second. I think you're hiding something!

13. Am not.
What's in the cooler?

14. Nothing.
Mind if I take a look?

15. Yes.
If there's nothing in the cooler, why can't I look?

16. Going to the movies or night in with a rental?
Yeah, I'm taking a look in your cooler.

17. It's not illegal!
Wow. That's a lot of cash to be carrying around in a cooler. There must be a hundred thousand in here. Why would you carry it in a cooler?

18. Ever hear the phrase "cold hard cash?"
That's not bad. I like you. Want to come over for 7th Heaven and some Reese's Cups tonight?

19. Can you forgive me for the interrogation?
Maybe

Olly Olly Oxen free to good home

2006-08-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

What can you do

2006-08-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

You can be sure that Scandinavian body care company Udvark has fired its translator. Advertising their third American cross-over product as the toenail file with the "complete professional pedicure feel at home" for some reason didn't help the Udvark Pedi-file at all.

Purchasing a life companion and a light summer read

2006-08-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

Help me out if you have a second. I'm sending away for a mail order bride through Amazon.com, but she only costs $18. Can anyone recommend a decent $7 book so I can spend $25 and qualify for free shipping?

Thanks in advance,
Duncan

Extra Nancy

2006-07-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

If you know me, then I really don't have to post anything, because you already know what I'll say. Let's pretend you don't know me. I love music. And I love finding out interesting little bits of information. Combine them, and I'm in heaven. My latest fascination is what a song goes through before it gets to your ears. Take the following example. The radio version of Nancy Sinatra's hit "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" cuts out before the final verse. Thank goodness for VH1; now we know how the lyrics originally ended:

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots? Start wa- You're not? Oh.
Well, how soon do you think you'll be ready?
You said five minutes fifteen minutes ago.
What could you possibly be doing that takes this long to get ready?

Of course I want you to look good, that's not what I meant.
Look, we're already late as it is. Is there anything I can do to help?
No, I'm not trying to control you, I just want to start walking.
Fine, you know what? I'm leaving in five minutes with or without you. I hope with.

Three quarters

2006-07-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am a full-fledged optimist. Or should I say "half full-fledged optimist."

I'm certainly not half-fledged. There was a point in my life for about three months when I was just fledged. Not full, not half. Fledged. It got so bad that one day I crawled out onto the ledge and made a pledge. And out there on that wedge of a ledge with a perfect view of the hedge, I said "No more will I vegge!"

Yes, I'm full-fledged. And part Polish.

One liner liner

2006-07-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

The LA Times ran a one line article. At first I thought it was a misplaced headline until I discovered the one line article HAD a headline. Here it is for your full review:

School Board enacts new health policy
by Tom Hagforde

The Los Angeles Unified School District approved a measure that many schools have already had in place since 2004.

Tom Hagforde is a staff writer for LA Times and a frequent contributor to NPR's "Edu-what-tion?" He lives alone unless you count his dog, which most people do. He's sort of a pretty person, if you know what I mean. Never had to do much manual labor, so his skin is actually quite delicate. His favorite Melissa Manchester song is "Don't Cry Out Loud." But he does.

In elementary school, Tom Hagforde was what they called a "bully's bully." Basically a recess vigilante, he returned lunch money, took spitballs for classmates, and found a cure for kooties. And that was all before P.E. Unfortunately Tom turned bitter in his teen years.

Tom Hagforde's life turned around again when he found Jesus at the early age of 23. Then he lost Jesus in March of '87. Then he finally found him again that summer only to lose him again by New Year's. Several years went by, and Tom unexpectedly stumbled upon Jesus behind Denny's, and it was like he never left. Say what you want about Tom Hagforde, but man he loves that dog.

Tom Hagforde lives what you might call a life. He eats food, he drinks drinks, and he talks speech. And every night before Tom Hagforde sleeps sleep, he prays a prayer. An old Gaelic blessing that his Russian grandmother mistranslated from a book. It goes "May you find what you may and may what you find come what may." Tom Hagforde wishes that for you.

Comments may be sent to Tom Hagforde at thagforde@latimes.com